ianbee: this is instead of getting a dog

Witch dunking and an unrelated apology

I'm sorry about the quiet patch. The main reason is that I don't have a telly, so in order to facilitate watching telly on my computer (via a clever dongle), it is positioned on a low table in front of the sofa.

If I want to send an email I either have to kneel on the floor, risking cramp and neck ache, or type from the sofa, risking eye strain, or switch off the computer, pick it up and carry it across the room to the table. Risking dropping it, or missing something with Heston Blumenthal in it.

Today I have opted for the latter, and am having a massive internet catch-up session.

Earlier I popped out for some bread, and to kick a ball around in the park with a friend's small child. We got chatting to someone who lives in one of the old villagey houses. He said that his house dated from 1770, "which is really old considering they were still dunking witches round here in 1750".

I thought witch dunking died out in the 16th century, so I don't know whether that says something about the witchy-ness of the inhabitants of Meanwood, or the particular tenacity of local witch hunters. Maybe it was more to do with the availability of a stream and the lack of distraction that has been solved with a local Waitrose (with attached mini-John Lewis and cafe).

If you want to get an idea of how much some people care about things such as veganism and gluten free diets, have a look in the visitors book in the Waitrose cafe. People! There is war in North Africa, and nuclear meltdown in Japan! Direct your vitriol away from the pastries!

 

The Killing

My Dad has given me a DVD containing the first two epiodes of The Killing. It's a sort of Danish version of 24, except with chunky-knit jumpers. It's so scary, and so sad. Everyone is sad, all the time. If they are smiling, it's becuase they don't know something sad has happened, or is about to happen. Probably to someone in a chunky jumper.

I'm not sure whether I can cope with another twenty episodes of sadness. My computer has made it's opinion clear; usually the DVD slowly pokes out of the slot by an inch so it can be calmly removed. When I ejected the Killing disc it was spat out with such violence it flew across the room and richoched off the speaker stand.

The Great British Bake Off

The best telly programme of 2010 is getting a second series! And you could apply! Just think, you would get to use one of those ovens with the sliding door. In a tent! And have Mel and Sue nicking your ingredients. And learn all about biscuits, and how they made Britain great.

Do you love home baking and fancy putting your skills to the test? BBC Two is looking for amateur bakers across the country to take part in The Great British Bake Off series two. If you’re interested and would like to find out more, email baking@loveproductions.co.uk or call 020 7067 4879.

To apply you must be over 16 on 1 April 2011. As an ‘amateur baker’ your main source of income cannot come from commercial baking in a professional environment and you cannot have ever worked full-time as a baker or chef. You cannot have acquired any formal NVQ or other professional catering qualifications in the past 10 years.

 

They are just like us really

Bruce Parry is on the telly again doing one of his living-with-remote-tribes programmes. He's gone all spiritual, with comic results:

Bruce Parry: I see you have all aligned your tents the same way. has that got spiritual significance?
Siberian reindeer herder (via translator): what? no. it's because the wind comes from over there.

It reminded me of a classic moment from one of Ray Mears' survival programmes ...

Ray Mears: These African tribesmen are acclimatised to this tough climate. Note how i am wrapped up in a sleeping bag and he is lying under the stars without a cover.
(next day)
RM: How did you sleep last night?
African man (via translator): Not well. I was freezing, I forgot my blanket.

The Trip

I went for a walk in the Yorkshire Dales last friday. The snow has almost gone, but i am reliably informed that there is more on the way!

This river is near Bolton Abbey which is a venue visited by Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon in their recent BBC comedy "The Trip". The two comedians go for a drive around the North of England, eating in smart restaurants and talking rubbish. They play heightened, insecure versions of themselves which will be familiar if you have ever seen their film "A Cock and Bull story". The landscape is beautiful, the food looks delicious and the banter is exquisite. Even the soundtrack is worth a mention, Michael Nyman's sparce piano feels both familair and distant, creating space for the pauses between conversations.

Here are two clips, a treat to warm you up (through chuckling) if you're cold ...

 

   

The Big British Bake-Off

I'm a bit behind - so don't spoil the ending for me if you know who wins, but this has been my favourite telly programme of the year. Yes even better than Sherlock or a five-hour Chilean mine rescue marathon. Basically it's a competiton to find Britain's best amateur baker. There's no hint of celebrity or ego. No shouting or confesions. No diary room or sabotage. It's television for people who like cake and for people who like people who care about cake. Each week the contestants are housed in a marquee in some touristy spot and are let loose in a camping version of a Kath Kidson styled kitchen where they to work through a different set of baking challenges; cakes, scones, biscuits, puddings and pastry all feature. There was even an episode devoted to bread.

It manages to be genuinely tense - will the pudding come out of the bowl? Will the pastry have a soggy bottom? Will he notice he forgot the eggs? It also suceeds in being warm, sweet, funny and informative. Did you know that orignally puddings were made with meat? Or that the ideal Cornish pasty has between seventeen and twenty-one crimples?

The biscuit episode has to be one of my all-time favourite hours of telly. I learned about the history of the digestive biscuit (the undisputed king of biscuits) and was introduced to the world's most expensive biscuit. This was rescued from near the South Pole where it was found in a tent alongside Captain Scott's body. How could anyone possibly conceive a programme that was a more perfect marriage of my twin passions; Antarctica and biscuits? If only they could have found a way to include rugby union or a helicopter or snowboarding, that would be telly utopia.

Knock four times

I have just watched the latest Dr Who episode. The one where David Tennant turns into Matt Smith. And if you think that's a spoiler you should get out more. Or stay in more. Certainly stop reading here at any rate.

My friends in Sydney include a small but fervent collection of Dr Who fans. A couple of weeks ago we gathered in the sticky evening warmth to watch the Christmas and New Year episodes that had kindly been recorded off the telly in Britain by my Dad and posted out to Australia. We had snacks. We were comfy. After the first episode's cliff-hanger we braced ourselves and moved straight onto the finale, only to discover that my Dad had sent two copies of the first episode by accident. It took longer than you'd think to discover this; we initially thought it was just a very long re-cap. It reminded me of when I went to see Sherlock Holmes in the cinema and they played a trailer for Avatar that seemed to go on for ages. It turned out they had accidentally started projecting the wrong film and we were actually watching Avatar. I think we had got almost ten minutes into it before the lights were turned back on.

Anyway, at the weekend we finally got round to watching the finale on a borrowed projector with our hands full of banana pancakes. I've found the big Dr Who specials to be a bit so-so, apart from the Water of Mars episode which was brilliant and very creepy. The scariest moment of the finale was when a young boy almost got hit by a car (it made my friend spill a hot drink in her lap) - you'd think with a plot including aliens, time travel and lasers we'd be treated to a few more hot-drink-spilling moments. However what it lacked it tension, it made up for in entertainment (the starwars-esque cantina sequence with Captain Jack) and pathos (the scenes towards the end between David Tennant and Bernard Cribbins). I do like it when they manage to ride the loop of a huge narrative arc running across many episodes. It is a show that really rewards loyalty.

So no more DT. And by the way they wrapped it up, probably no more indulgent revisits for Martha, no more nostalgic doses of Donna and, lets face it, no point in pining for Rose. I suppose it's not a bad thing to draw a line under the events and relationships of the previous incarnation. Let's hope that the new guy can match the depth and spirit of the past few years. I'll let you decide. Here's the trailer for series 5.

(I was working on this post at the same time as the previous one and accidentally emailed this video to loads of people with the title "Stormy Sydney" which really confused the members of my Kayak club.)

We're having trouble with a gang of squirrels ...

I was fondly remembering Trigger Happy TV at the weekend. Genius! Have you got a favourite scene? Here's some of mine ...

Squirrels

Badger

Maze

Ransom

All West Winged Out

Over in Washington, President Barack Obama will be sworn in next week. But President Matt Santos was inaugurated in my living room today. It marked the end of a long and winding television journey and testament as to how long I can spin out watching a whole show for.

Thanks to Kate for introducing me to the series back in London in 2001. Thanks to Craig for drip-feeding me the DVDs up in Edinburgh. So, here in Sydney, eight years later, I watched the final credits roll with misty eyes and a certain sense of loss.

I will miss having to watch the episodes with the subtitles on because they talk too fast. I will miss watching people running down corridors. I will miss the huge quantities of coffee they drank. I will miss Gail the goldfish. I will miss the way Martin Sheen puts on his jacket when he is on a mission. I will miss not knowing who is Larry and who is Ed. I will miss those dramatic secret service moments when they push people out of the way. I will miss going "boo!" when a Republican enters the room (unless it's Vinick or the blond Southern one from series, um, 4ish). I will miss Margaret aligning her pencils. I will miss the buzz when someone says "you're needed in the situation room". I will miss the British ambassador. I will miss the inspiring flashbacks. I will miss everything about Annabeth.

So, what is next? There is room in my life for a major television-watching project. Something to invest in and nurture. Are there any recommendations out there? How do I move on from this long-term relationship?

Election (2)

With no telly reception at my new flat, I have been forced back into the world of DVD box-sets, which is no bad thing, especially when my programme of choice is the West Wing. I started watching it in fits and starts about five years ago, and the end is in sight.

In the West Wing, the wild-card Democrat candidate who ends up receiving the party's nomination in Season 6 was actually, in a remarkable piece of wishful foresight, based on Barack Obama. At least so said an article in The Sydney Morning Herald this week. An article that stubbornly refuses to be found online. But luckily The Guardian is more organised.

The other reason that the West Wing is such a pleasurable watch is Annabeth. Here's where we meet her for the first time ...