Just as things seem to settling down with regards to the locker-at-work situation, it looks like there might be conflict opening up on another front altogether. My gym have announced that they are going to start requiring all members to use a padlock on their locker. Currently we have to put a pound coin in a slot and get a key attached to a safety pin. From mid-august we'll all be able to claim our 'own' locker.
Peculiarly they chose to advertise this initiative with a large balloon sculpture of the word 'padlock' in the foyer. This is one of the most intriguing contemporary art installations I have seen all year, although I have no idea if this is intentionally cool, or just plain bizarre . I would grab a photo, but no-one would believe me. I can imagine the staff meeting ... "shall we have a poster printed, or shall we commission a huge balloon arrangement spelling the word 'padlock'?"
Anyway, I have to start scouting out for 'my' locker. Do I want to be near the showers, the door, or the spinny swimming-costume drying thing? Mmmm...
I was at the gym for my routine 'touch base' with the fitness instructors. Every few months someone takes me through my program and usually just gives me a pat on the back, maybe adding a weight here, or a repetition there. This time was different. Due to staff sickness I met with Kelly, the manager. She was very keen - I don't think she is allowed out of the office much. She asked me what my fitness goals were and I mumbled something about being healthy and enjoying exercise and not falling over in stiff breezes, etc. Somewhere in the conversation she got the impression I had serious designs on competing in London 2012 and had designed me a totally new program with the goal of getting me in the British Olympic Team.
She's got me using all those funny bits of equipment that all the serious gym people with their ipods strapped to their arm like. I have to do press-ups while balancing on two squidgy disks, then do squats on a kind of wobble-board (for 'core stability'!). There's also lots of rowing and lots of cycling but instead of my usual 1500 meters then stop, I have to do 'intervals', which means exercise as fast as you can for a minute, then as hard as you can for a minute, then as fast and as hard as you can for another minute, then repeat until too sweaty to stay on the seat. I also have to carry on with the free-weights, but instead of lying on a bench I have to balance on a big space-hopper. Can you tell it's got me stressed? I also have to attend classes! 'V-spin', whatever that is. Doesn't she realise that no-one goes to the gym to make friends? (Apart from my Mum.)
And the worst is, Kelly says that she will "keep an eye on my progress". The other guys just let me amble around and gave me the thumbs up occasionally. Kelly wants me to draw asterisks on my program card whenever I achieve a goal. I can't even imagine holding a pen after a session, let alone drawing a little star. "Ian, what does the little penguin mean?" "I tried to draw an asterisk but passed out."
Plus I've worked out that if I do all that exercise I will need to start eating four meals a day. At the moment I barely manage two-and-a-half. I just don't know enough recipes for four.
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