ianbee: this is instead of getting a dog

Snowchain Update

I'm staying in a small town on New Zealand called Methven, very near Mount Hutt and it's associated snowboarding opportunities. I'm looking after a house for some friends who are away. The home comes complete with a young, very stupid golden retriever, and a very old, clingy cat. "She's really old," says her owner, "I suppose there's a chance she might die while we're away. Don't worry about it." Great. She's still alive, just checked.

I've got some extra things to add to the snowchain soring system. My best time so far for fitting them is 3:29, and for taking them off it's 3:07. Very pleased with that!

-2 in your rush to beat the snowchain fitting speed record you leave the box the snowchains are kept in by the side of the road

+2 on your way back down the mountain you spot the snowchain box.

+1 man flags you down at the side of the road and you get to help sort his wheel out using your multitool whilst your friends watch on

+3 if those friends had previously teased you for taking a multitool snowboarding

-2 if friends ban you from helping people with their snowchains becuase they just want to go home

-5 you get a persistent Kea stuck in your snowchains (see photo)

+5 the wheel the snowchains fit on is bigger than you (see photo)

 

 

Earthquake

So apparently there was an earthquake last night. I felt nothing. All the ornaments fell off the shelves in the living room. I felt nothing. The owner of the guesthouse sheltered under the strongest door frame in the building. I felt nothing, and I'm a bit annoyed that no-one checked in on me. I could have been crushed by a falling vase. The bus driver this morning said that his instant reaction was to protect his plasma telly. The ski guide today pointed out all the resulting mini-avalanches. I felt nothing and it's really frustrating because I have no exciting stories to tell. sorry.

Snowchains

I'm in New Zealand. The scenery is stunning, although you'll have to wait until I get back for the photos. In the meantime I have been thinking about the social science and gender politics of fitting snowchains. It's best explained with a quiz...

SNOWCHAIN SCORING

Add up your score to see if you are an awesome man (or a spectacular girl)!

+1 have heard of snowchains
+1 know what snowchains are
+1 know how to fit snowchains
+1 know which wheels to fit snowchains on
+1 have a set of snowchains
+1 have actually fitted snowchains
+2 snowchains still attached at the top of the mountain
+2 after fitting your own snowchains you help another man fit his snowchains
+3 whilst his wife and two children stand watching the snowchain drama
+1 a man asks for help opening the box his snowchains came in
+2 you break open the snowchain box for him using your snowboard multitool
-1 you need to read the snowchain instructions whilst standing in front of a wheel
+1 you take less than five minutes to fit your snowchains
-2 you take longer than thirty minutes to fit your snowchains
+1 you get a little bit of mud on your face whilst fitting your snowchains
-2 you get a significant quantity of mud on your face, arms, knees and driver's seat whilst fitting your snowchains
-2 you have a pair of luminous green gardening gloves which were purchased soley for snowchain duties
+1 your snowchains lift out of the snowchain box beautifully untangled because you took time and care when you put them away
+8 when removing snowchains you find you don't need to roll the car forward slightly (NB this would be a fluke!)
-3 when removing snowchains you roll the car forward, get distracted and drive off leaving them in the road
-2 strangers driving in the opposite direction point out that one of your snowchains is coming loose
-4 strangers driving in the opposite direction point out that you only
have one snowchain fitted

I scored twelve today!!! I reckon I could get a twenty by the end of the week. I don't often quantify things like this, but I was thinking that an exciting potential wife/partner/girlfriend type person should be able to score at least ten. Maybe eight if they were willing to practise and six if they had other overwhelming positive attributes I was encouaged to take into account.

Lions

I've not written about the British and Irish Lions tour of South Africa yet, even though it's now over That's because I haven't been watching the matches live and I have been terrified that someone will spoil the results for me. I watched the last test match yesterday, it was amazing! What a great game, what a great team! And I am thrilled with the result of "operation lion" on a domestic level too - I managed to get through all three tests without knowing the score beforehand! The matches were only on a subscription cable channel over here. I managed to find someone at work who's brother-in-law was willing to record the games for me. They were recorded on the Saturday, and passed to me on the Tuesday. During those four days I avoided Facebook and all the rugby news websites. The fact that no-one over here cares helped, although if anyone had found out that I cared then I'm sure my pleasure would have been ruined.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, the Lions is an invitation rugby union side made up of the best players from England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland. Every few years they tour another rugby nation in a season which usually culminates in a best-of-three test series. I find it wonderful because after four years of fighting each other, it's a chance to stand alongside my Scottish, Welsh and Irish friends and support the same team for once. Anyway, that's it for another four years. We're enemies again now

Whale watching

I went whale watching on Sunday. I stood on this cliff at Manly and looked out to sea for at least half-an-hour. I saw several water-spouts in the distance that I was told were whales. They were either large whales far away, or small whales even further away. There were no "Attenborough" moments, but I left satisfied in an I'm-easy-to-please kind of way. It's good to know they're out there.

Battle of the Choirs

There was an A Cappella battle on the North Shore tonight. Melbourne's Harambee, in black and pink, verses Sydney's Soulfood, in black and orange. Someone is going to have to sort an away-strip out for the return leg; it was too confusing.

Harambee have been commissioned to sing at the 75th anniversary of an umbrella manufacturers (!) and Soulfood still have Abba stuck in their repertoire from when they launched the Mamma Mia DVD. A large proportion of Harambee's repertoire was about water, rain, dampness and umbrellas. They also sang a song about Spiderman and a cover of Coldplay's Viva la Vida. Good gig!

During the interval I took a lot of flack from 'friends' in the audience about my attempt at bird-identification. (See below)

Look, he's washing up again!

According to the book Mum brought me, these two curious birds are Crimson Rosellas, whoops I mean Lorikeets.* I found them in the chapter entitled "pigeons and parrots"! Despite appearances, they are not escaped budgies, they are actually native - the Sydney equivalent of sparrows.

Yes, I realise the windows need a wash. But I'm two floors up, remember.

"Hello! Pieces of eight! Kwaarrrrk!"

*How was I meant to know that Australia had more than one type of funny red and blue bird?

Crème Brûlée

Somewhere in Sydney there is a little restaurant, and when you say you'd like crème brûlée for dessert they bring you three mini ones! One vanilla, one rhubarb and one espresso. That's three crunchy-caramelised-top-cracking moments for the price of one! It's a small restaurant, by the water. Forgive me if I don't tell you where, I don't want everyone to know, I'd like to keep it a secret. Maybe if you ask nicely I'll take you one day ...